| Last Cereal: Message Board: posting |
| [rant] |
| [11844] by "Veavitdpoh" (136.204.212.83) on Tue 14 May 2002 14:40:58 [ reply ] |
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The action was declared before, but it's never been driven home so thoroughly as it has in recent days. My Y is gone from me, not taken or stolen but by my own hand.
This past weekend, though we had both agreed we needed time apart, I received an e-mail from her... again. And it spoke of some things and other things, and there was tenderness and hope, and in every way it hurt. It cut me to the bone. She had sent it knowing full well that it was breaking our agreement to part ways for the time being, and after another such exchange that ended less than amicably... Y... is a dangerous influence. Once, she was someone whom I called sister, though we are not related. She was a kindred spirit, someone who befriended me, who loved me for no reason - not because it was required, not because of familial duty or obligation, not because she was told to, not because she expected to gain by it - but for me. She cared for me purely for me. In this she saved my life, and gave me hope. These times I will always cherish, now and forever. But in this time, when simply opening my inbox to see her name wiped the smile from my face and dropped me to my knees, I had to acknowledge certain truths. She hurts me. She changed from the person I loved to a bitter, vengeful one, to someone who was capable of taking the things that we'd held most dear and turning them against me in a fit of rage. She became a grasping, needy individual. I tried to help, failed. And in the end I had to accept that she was destroying me - not just once, but twice, after I'd accepted her back after a full nine months of her absence from my life. I'd hidden things from her, I'd changed who I was for her, I'd done things that I have vowed never again to do to a friend for both our sakes... Though we had agreed to stay apart for the time, she e-mailed me again. And I took that step. I told her to cease. I changed my e-mail address. I made sure that there would be no way for her to touch me, to hurt me, ever again. My Y... I loved her. I love her, perhaps. But the one I loved is no more. I hope the person she is now forgives me someday, but for now - this time, I have to live for myself. I have to help myself. And so it's the end of that chapter. Where the book goes from here? Your guess is as good as mine. |