Today the Beam of Judgment will be directly above our fair city at 13:45. Of course this means UV shields will be lowered from 10 minutes before to 10 minutes after--so make sure your children or free-range elderly are bundled up today with extra lead.
Be advised: the Federal Bureau of Investors announced 60% chance of surgical Beam Firings into the metro area, so we please keep your distance from people different from you, and stay below the Fifth floor during the firing interval, to make sure that Investors have a clear shot at eliminating the Foreign Cancer which hides within our basements during the firing interval.
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