I never thought I would have come so far as saying "I just can't take it anymore". Armed of my legendary cynicism I always laughed of people that would say so. A couple of times I even laughed out loud in their very face, not only unable to comprehend them, but literally disgusted by such a display of weakness.
Now that there are times of the day when I happen to repeat that inside myself like a mantra, I feel like a third eye popped into my forehead and suddenly I can see a lot of details of being... a human being, that I couldn't see before at all.
I've taken into account raising a white flag: in the last months (not even a full year) life took everything from me, every single thing I slowly built with twice the efforts of someone that had the little luck of being born into a normal, healthy family.
But still I shrugged and went ahead, because after all there was a single thing that I valued more than all the rest, that I considered to be by safe corner. Of course life took that away from me too, very slowly in this case, occasionally giving me the false hope that I was going to win at least that single battle for happyness.
So, now that all is officially lost, the white flag comes back into evaluation. I feel safe writing all of this just here where I am pretty much sure that at best once in some months, one of the old readers of LC, all displaced in remote corners of the world, will throw an eye on my words.
Because that's it, there's an increasing number of moments of the day when I can't help but repeat to myself "I just can't take it anymore". And, fuck, no one really would in my conditions. My greatest wonder? Still somehow "taking it", grinding teeth, and moving ahead in some unclear direction. |